Getting back into this

Okay, so no one is following me still :( - but we'll see what happens.

I've been trying to think if my daily life warrants being written about, but I'm really the only one that knows what is going on, so I guess it's news to everyone else. My life is not easy right now and it definitely shows on the outside. I don't sleep well, I don't eat well, I don't get any exercise, I'm stressed, and yet it just keeps going.

I don't want to be one of those people who complains all the time about how horrible things are because I do know they can always be worse. But really . . . sometimes I wish some people could trade places with me to really understand what I go through on a daily basis.

I am a planner. I like to know what is going on in my life as much ahead of time as I can. Generally I like to have my entire week planned by Monday and my weekends planned by Wednesday. If things change, fine, but I'm likely not going to like it. It's just the general way I like to live my life. I do like spontaneity, but having a good outline of things to come makes for a calmer me. Unfortunately that is not what life has in store for me right now.

I had to give up my planning to make way for asking everyday how things are going. I have to tell everyone that "we'll have to see" and "I'm not sure, it depends . . ." I hate being so wishy-washy about everything, but that's just how it has to be right now. And, as I said before - it shows.

I get so frustrated and I don't know how to make things better. Right now we (my husband and I) are in a "holding pattern" with a lot of things. We are in a "wait and see" situation and it is killing me. We've done this before and the waiting never seemed to lift to the actual doing, so part of me is dreading what is going to happen next given our track record, but I am trying as hard as I can to try to prevent the same things from happening.

Part of that safeguarding is keeping a lot of things to myself. My husband is a very private person (which I've said before) and so I don't really want to divulge things that have to do with him. That also means that I can't talk about parts of my life that are impacting me greatly. Although I have done that in the past, there was a learning curve I went through figuring out what happened when I spilled my guts about our private lives. Those things are not the same things I am guarded about now, but I hesitate in saying too much because I don't want to cause more frustration and stress to an already tough situation. Luckily my marriage is so much stronger than it has been, partly because of what is going on in our lives right now. We've been married for over 6 years now and it's been a bumpy journey. Our relationship together though is much more solid than before, now we just have to work on the stresses of our lives individually. That is definitely not an easy task.

So what am I trying to say here? Well, I guess that I have a lot going on and it's not something that is going to go away overnight, although we wish it would. Winning the lottery wouldn't solve it, although it would make things easier. I do thank God I'm in this with someone else and that it truly shows how strong I can be. I just wish I could look more the part of a strong woman and not someone who is falling apart at the seams. Although I do smile on a regular basis, I look like I am clearly unhappy about something. I have gained so much weight over the last year that it is clear something is not right. How can I be a confident, strong woman when all I see is a fat, ugly, disheveled mess of a girl who can't do anything right? I act like I am doing fine, but every time I look in the mirror I hate what I see. I don't know what to do. I don't think there's a quick fix, but I need something to change and I need it to be drastic.

I want to be the beautiful Diva I'm working hard to be, not the dull, forgetful servant I seem to fall into doing. People say it's all in the attitude, but no matter how much I think I look beautiful and feel good, at the end of the day my body aches from the pain of carrying so much physical weight and my mind is tired from all the stress I have to deal with at work and when I come home.

I keep it all in because *shrug* who am I going to complain to about my problems? Complaining and getting mad doesn't solve anything. It doesn't change what is happening, so why bother? It's eating me from the inside out, but what can I do? I honestly don't know anyone who can understand what is going on in my life.

I'll write more about my specific stresses another time. I know this has been vague, but I hope I get my emotions across at least. Bottom line is my life is not easy, but I'm trying to do what I can with the things I can work on. It's past midnight and I have a long day ahead of me. Let's hope I can sleep well enough to make a change in the morning. I wish anyone who reads this a good life . . . God knows I am trying.